untitled

September 24, 2013 § Leave a comment

I’ve been home sick all day. I was supposed to wake up and put a cute outfit on. Shower. Do my hair. Put make up on. Take the train and walk down Green Street through the meat smelling alleys to work. Monday’s aren’t my day when I get in and drudge through the work assignments. I always get so grumpy… Last week my beau and I decided we would hang out on Monday nights since we don’t see each other that much during the week. Now that we live closer, we would cook together, get one more night together snuggling in bed, and I get one more morning where I get to wake up next to him. After a long Monday, the only thing I want to do is be held by him because that’s what makes the grumpiness go away. His hugs are the best… That was my supposed to be Monday.

Instead I went to bed at 9 pm on Sunday already knowing I was going to call into work sick. I woke up at 3:30 am and didn’t go back to bed until 4:30 am. I got woken up again at 6:45 am by my alarm when I called in sick. I laid around until 8:30 when I knew sleep wasn’t an option. Took my shower, no make up, didn’t really dry my hair, ran errands, and bought 3 boxes of tissue, 9 cans of soup, juice, and slippers. My day was a ridiculous amount of blowing my nose, making tea, just took my second shower, and I’m on my second can of soup. It’s 8 pm and I’m supposed to be at my blasted boyfriends apartment. This SUCKS.

The saddest feeling I’ve experienced, ever, is the feeling of longing. It happens in more situations than you think. Longing for a person you can never see. Longing for a city or experience that’s too expensive. Longing for a feeling that you’re sure won’t happen again. That feeling of being out of reach from that one thing, person, place you know will make you feel better. I feel I have lost a lot of people around me in the last year (not to mention my life). It’s all starting to catch up to me again… The deaths. All of these deaths have taught me to damn well appreciate the time you have with others and yourself. That’s what I’ve been feeling the last 24 hours. I’ve been whining in bed at all hours curled up against a pillow. I put a pillow behind me because I want HIM there, in particular. I’m sitting here at my laptop because I want to be at HIS place like it’s supposed to be right now. I can’t waste all these stupid days being sick because our time alive, and with others, is so blasted short. I take people for granted, we all do. But for some reason with him, I try so hard to breathe him in every moment we’re together, so I can have it last me to the next moment.

I think that’s what being in love is. I am not in love like they are on NBC. My in love is being able to appreciate the softness of his hand while I hold it, that I become a better person after every argument with him, and that waking up on a Sunday morning in his bed is one of the most satisfying feelings I have EVER had. He let’s me ramble about everything at work, people, how hungry I am and that Thanksgiving is the best day of the year (and loves me for that, specifically), he knows that I’ll probably never dye my hair and is okay with it. I am in love with watching him shave, and swoon over the smell of his after-shave. There’s his smile that I will die over one day. I’m in love because we can have a stupid disagreement, or I can say something stupid, and he’ll forget about it easily. Our ideal night is in, eating, and watching tv while sprawled on top of each other.

I got lucky, and it was all after circumstance and weirdness of how things fell together and I’m in love with that too. This is not what I expected, and if there’s anything I learned in the last year it is that I am damn well happy to be alive. The sun is so bright, the air is so clean, and time is too short to think of the negative things. I don’t like being a prisoner of my house, time is running out, and I still have so much to do

 

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